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Four elements of love

Journal Entry: Fri Jul 7, 2017, 10:10 AM

Four elements of love

Four “elements” for lack of a better term. What the fuck am I talking about? Falling in love is very complex in my observation. In my opinion there are two types of love that people experience. The first is a very basic animal instinct reaction to someone else. Many people consider this simple attraction love, but to me there is so much more to love so to identify them differently from here on I’ll be referring to what I feel is love by calling it  “true love”. This is just some theories about relationships that I've thought about for a long time. I developed these theories over many years of looking at my own and others relationships and looking at what worked, what didn't (oh whole bunch of my own what didn’t work scenarios) and how people were able to make things work. To get into it there are 4 elements of relationships that all need to be in sync for true love to exist between both people.

  1. The first of these elements is an Intellectual Element. This element is based on conversation. Each person in the relationships intelligence and personal interests play an important role in making this matching happen. Both people don’t need to be of the same intelligence or even close. It is more important how they interact with each other. This can be affected by several other aspects of the relationship like age and the general life experience. It seems like this is the least important for most people but for me this element is vitally important. Along the lines of personal interest as people spend more time together they tend build interests in things together. Interests in things that they did not already share or that one person liked and brought the other into enjoying as well. This is an important bonding aspect of this element because there is now a personal interest that is attached to their significant other. These interest can be anything from entertainment, food, hobbies, goals and many other things that people like.

  2. For the second element of true love there needs to be an Emotional bond between the two people involved. This is all about paying attention to your partner and learning to read their  feeling at any time. Some people talk about being able to communicate without speaking with a silent language that is spoken only by the two in love. This element is the hardest to fake. This is also the Element I know the least about. In my past my emotional connection to others has mainly been inspirational. Though I expressed my emotions through my inspiration it was always a one sided, selfish interaction that did not feed into the element needed for true love. When people grow apart it’s often this element I feel that breaks down, as the two involved lovers just don’t get each other anymore. Yeah that all too familiar to me.

  3. The third element is the Romantic Element this is where sex comes in the strongest. It’s a bit harsh to say this but if there is no romantic element to a relationship that relationship is just a friendship. Romance is not 100% sex though, it’s a very deep element that most importantly requires trust in one another. This element can be quite fickle as well because of how animalistic humans become when pursuing sex. The more people tap into their animal instincts the less Emotional and intellectual there interactions become. now we’re starting to see some overlaps in these elements and that’s the point they all work together with one element missing a relationship is doomed to fail. Beyond the sexual aspect of this element there is how much one person is investing into the relationship, in giving. Basically what are people giving up for their partner to make the relationship work. This bond can’t be one sided.

  4. The last of the four elements is the Physical Element. This not a sexual physical element, but all other aspects that deal with physical interaction as well as some sexual contact. This is where long distance relationships fall apart because of the physical distance. There is also the aspects of diet, fitness, hygiene and other physical elements. How physically attractive someone is plays a role in this element, and how physically attractive someone is can actually change depending on the other elements. The more one person likes someone else based on the other elements the more attractive they become physically as well, but neglecting one’s own appearance and self management can quickly deteriorate the other elements if they were not strong to begin with especially.

I've spent the last few years of my life looking closely at these 4 elements in many relationships and the successful ones just seem to do it so easily and without thinking about it. That might be why I've been alone for so long ignorance may be the only way to achieve this bliss. When these 4 elements work together it is amazing how strong a relationship is with all of them working in sync with each other. These are just my observations and there are probably an unimaginable amount of flaws and holes in my logic. Maybe more elements than I Listed here maybe one or more of them are the same thing and I’m too stupid to see that. In the end this little exploration into true love was just for me. For myself to have something to look at and remind myself before stepping into the deep end of love without being able to swim. The logistics of love could I possibly get any more boring.

Post Script: this post is not a guide to anyone on how to find love. It just shit I think about and if I  followed my own advice I’d be in a lot fewer stupid situations. I’m posting it here so I have it written somewhere that I can remind myself of what not to do.

"Jealousy lives upon doubts. It becomes madness or ceases entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainty."

François de La Rochefoucauld

  • Listening to: I call fives
  • Reading: I can't read these books they are all folded up...
  • Watching: Speed runs of games I used to suck at.
  • Playing: Little Inferno
  • Eating: crow
  • Drinking: I really could use a drink but never again!

Information, Conversations and the time I tried to

Journal Entry: Sun Jul 27, 2014, 5:57 AM

Information, Conversations and the time I tried to learn Everything. (not in that order)

When I was in high school I did a lot of stupid things, but I feel like what I did when I was in 10th grade may have been the dumbest thing I ever did. Especially seeing how it's affected my life since then. So what did I do? I tried legitimately  to learn everything I could about the Universe. Luckily for me the idea that I could become the most intelligent person in the world only lasted about an hour and a half. I blame 1997-1998 internet for that have you ever tried to use Yahoos internet directory for find things online no of course not because there are Search Engines now. God to think there are some people who will never know what an internet directory is and might try to make one again. That adventure did not last long I quickly realized what a fuckin' ridiculous task I set out on and gave up and looked for something else online... It was so long ago I don't even remember how I ever found anything on the internet.

As much as I wish it ended there, it didn't. I did not realize until a few days ago that I've been chasing that stupid idea ever since in a very indirect way. every time I sit down to watch TV, a movie, read a book or even when I'm just talking to a random person; I'm always looking for Information that i have yet to discover. I realized this when i was looking at some of my favorite things and realized that I'd only watched or read some of them once and then never picked them up again. I'd never picked them up again because if there was any information in them I'd already consumed it and didn't need it anymore. I also started to realize that my conversations with people where being treated the same way I would just listen to them talk and talk without much interest or care what they where talking about until if by chance they said something that I did not know about the Universe. it could be anything as long as they feed my thirst for knowledge i was happy... enough.

I also went looking threw my YouTube subscriptions and found that I followed a lot of channels that where filled with useless information videos about Math, Science, Maps, random Countries, more math, astronomy, sex (yeah I'll probably get as much use out of astronomy as this one) and much more. I'm now aware of how I seek more and more knowledge all the time but I'm not sure I want to stop. I probably should stop chasing such a wild and stupid dream, but at this point in my life I enjoy random facts more than I like people. So fuck it, if someone has nothing interesting to say i'll probably just forget everything they where blabbing on and on about... I should probably look into getting some information on grammar and spelling cause i know I have not learned any of that since high school.

"Knowledge is knowing that we cannot know."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

  • Listening to: Hands Like Houses
  • Reading: a Song of Ice and Fire re-read #1
  • Watching: the Wire for a 5th Time
  • Playing: "League of Lesbians"yes Im 12 and it's still funny
  • Eating: Soup. My tooF hurts too much to chew
  • Drinking: some lemonade stuff

Move on? Where to now

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 9, 2012, 9:16 PM

Move on? Where to now

For the past 2 1/2 years I've been playing World of Warcraft. I've played as a healer and for the majority of that time I was able to participate in some of the hardest and most challenging content of the game in 25 man heroic raiding. Those days have come to an end. I quit the game this week. I'd been thinking of quitting for a few months but didn't because though I knew that it was taking up almost 90% of my free time. Time that I should have been using to update my portfolio, look for better work, learn to fucking spell, To do the one thing that I've loved more than anything in the world MY ART!!! I didn't quit to do any of those things because I was still enjoying the game. I was enjoying it until the most recent expansion was launched (Mists of Pandaria.) There are parts of the game I still enjoy but for the most part I hate the game now. I don't want to go into details why because this is an art Journal not a video game blog. Since quitting I now need to find something else to do since I can't force myself into a coma of sleep, hell I'm having so much trouble sleeping at all.

I can now do all of the things I mentioned before because yes WOW was taking up that much of my life, but where do I start. For the first time in almost a year I've picked up my sketchbook. Inspiration that fucking cunt I love so much hit me the night I decided to finally call it quits with WOW so I have at least one new piece of art. I don't have a scanner though there is one at work but when I hate my job more than I hate WOW I don't really care to spend any extra time there scanning art and then moving those scans from my work PC to a thumb drive or email to myself for future uploads here. Drawing again and reading have been nice but I still don't know what the fuck I want to do.

I'll try to get at least one piece up here soon. Just cause it serves as a reminder that I QUIT, it was my choice and now I have to live with it no matter where it drops me. I'll leave a place holder here to link to that piece once I can bring myself to finish it and give it a name.

A Crawl Through Trash by alpha-dragon I guess this one too Dragon #5 by alpha-dragon

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire"

Fançois De La Rochefucald

  • Listening to: Emily Davis covers
  • Reading: A Feast for Crows
  • Watching: Starcraft II stuff
  • Playing: not World of Warcraft
  • Eating: whatever I can get
  • Drinking: SOOO much water

CSS test

Journal Entry: Thu Jul 31, 2008, 1:57 PM

CSS Test. YAY!!!

testing out my new CSS for my Journal

Yay I just finished my Journal CSS! My subscription is almost up and I finally styled my journal. (its ok I'm continuing my subscription)

I might have to go back and apply this to my old journals and I'll be using it from now on.

"I never let schooling interfere with my education."

Mark Twain

  • Listening to: Pandora Quick Mix
  • Reading: more quotes
  • Watching: bad baseball, damn my Padres suck
  • Playing: Soccer in RL
  • Eating: Macaroni and cheese
  • Drinking: suger free Hawian Punch stuff
I've decided to take on a new project. Well actually a bunch of them under one group. I'm going to be illustrating some quotes that I really like. Some are inspirational I guess but that's not my intent with this project. I have always looked to wise words to give me an idea of why my life is like it is, for the worst or the best. I tend to like the quotes that have some humor in them but, those are harder to illustrate.

I got the idea to do this when I was looking through a book of quotes that I have and remembering how in my high school art class we would always illustrate a quote the teacher wrote on the white board. I want to do more art but I'm just so uninspired right now. I figure if I lean on someone ells word for inspiration I'll do ok.

I want to do these in Illustrator CS2 but I'll be posting my rough drafts in my scraps as well. I just hope this idea dose not end up getting lost along with all the other projects I've tried to do.
  • Listening to: not much too much school work
  • Reading: Quotes Lots of good Quotes
  • Watching: Apocalypto Crazy ass Mayans
  • Eating: to much I'm becoming a fat ass
  • Drinking: water
I've been noticing all kinds of things about all kinds of crap lately. That's bad for me because then I think about my life and why it's the way it is. Anyway I had a big project due for my last Graphic Design Class. I also hade two weeks to work on it put I put it off until I had three days until it was due. This project was really big it was half my grade in the class so I had to do it or I would only be able to get a C at best by acing the final. So with three days to finish my project I got to work, I also got sick. In between laying out 36 pages of text I was blowing my nose and coughing up my lungs in a trash can next to my computer. This was the third time I've been sick already this year, a week and a half in to February.

I did get my project done. It was a day late one letter grade down but I got it in, and it sucked. In class we always critique all our projects as a group no one said anything bad about my project (except the teacher who is supposed to point out mistakes), but I knew the moment I decided to stop working on it that it was the worst thing I have done in my time at that school so far.

For a long time I've always thought I worked best under pressure. When I was in elementary school I would not do my homework one day my ant (a teacher) was asked by my mom to help me get my homework done. So she sat me down with an hour timer and said to "do all my math homework or I would not be allowed to play with my cousins the rest of that day." Feeling the pressure I finished it in 45 minutes, an hour later because I took the first 15 minutes to doodle all over my homework (I had some bad habits as a kid). But I did it easily. All my life I've worked this way once I feel enough pressure to make my work important I start and usually get it done, but I know it's never been the best work I could do. I think I missed 30% of the questions on that math homework.

I don't think I've ever done the best work I could do in anything. I've always done just enough to finish. I'm starting to think I can't work without the pressure. Worst of all I have no idea how to fix this problem.
  • Listening to: Nothing I've been sick
  • Reading: for one more day by Mitch Albom
  • Watching: CSI miami: they killed the cool guy!!
  • Eating: what ever i eat just comes back up again
  • Drinking: water
  • Listening to: Coheed and Cambria
  • Reading: for one more day by Mitch Albom
  • Watching: Sports Center nothing is on
  • Eating: too much my tummy hurts
I got board so I started clicking on the Random Deviant link and decided to do some of these quiz things. Boredom sucks. I might use some of this crap in a new DevID I want to make oh well don't read this crap.

Name: Jose Alfredo Lara… Jr.
Birthday: May 29th same as President John F. Kennedy!
Hair Color: Black
Height: 5'9
Right or Left Handed: Right handed but I'm a switch hitter!
Your heritage: 100% Mexican but I guess there's some Portuguese on my mom's side of the family
the shoes you wore today: Black Vans same as every day
Your weaknesses: Long haired brunettes with nice legs drive me crazy!!!
Your fears: That I might turn out to be just like my parents
the perfect pizza: The perfect would be a cookie. Oh a 16 inch cookie!!!
Goal you would like to achieve this year: get a job a real job.
Most overused phrase on instant messenger: silence.
Your bedtime: I take a nap around 4:00pm everyday no bedtime though.
Most missed memory: all the friends I've turned my back on.
Pepsi or Coke: H2O I quit drinking soda
McDonalds or Burger King: I don't eat out that much I can't remember last time I ate at either place
Lipton Ice or Ice tea: I had Lipton ice once never had Ice tea
Cappuccino or coffee: I don't drink either
Do you smoke: nope
Do you swear: more than I'd like to
Do you sing: only when no one is around
Do you shower daily: usually unless I get lazy and don't smell too bad.
Have you ever been in love: twice and hopefully never again
Do you want to go to College: I'm in kollege, well kind of.
Do you want to get married: only if nothing ells good can happen in my life
Do you believe in yourself?: of course I do I'm God. If I didn't that would be blasphemy
Do you get motion sickness: only if I read in a moving car
Are you a health freak: nope but I try to not eat to much junk (except cookies)
Do you like thunderstorms: only if I don't have to go anywhere
Do you play an instrument: I play a few (guitar, Drums, and a little Bass)
In the past month have you drunk alcohol: I have not had alcohol in half a year
In the past month have you smoked: actually I did I was pissed off the Chargers lost and had a smoke. It was awful
In the past month have you been on drugs: nope
In the past month have you gone to the mall: I think I did my cousin bought a hat I just went along
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no. I did like two months ago though
In the past month have you been dumped: nope
Do you work (as in official work): I don't have a job right now

In a boy/girl
Eye Color: Brown the darker the better
Short or long hair: long and brown
Height: at least 2 inch's shorter than me
Weight: I'm a small guy I need a small girl. Big Girls scare me
Best clothing style: what ever I don't care

Number of drugs I have taken: 1 but I was too drunk to feel anything
Number of CDs I own: like 28 or so
Number of piercings: none
Number of tattoos: none
Number of things in my past I regret: my life from the age of 12-19, and 22

A-Z Quiz
What is your age? 23 damn I'm too old for this stuff
What annoys you? little lies that people tell everyday

When is your birthday? May 29th Bob Hopes B-day also

What's your favorite candy? Skittles and I love cookies
When was the last time you cried? When I got all down about my cousin's divorce and stuff

Do you daydream? I do but I don't dream at night?
Favorite kind of dog? Saint Bernard's, like Beethoven not Kujo

How do you like your eggs? In the morning I guess I don't eat eggs often they give me gas
Have you ever been in the emergency room? Three times twice for Diabetes and once for trying to kill myself

Have you ever flown in a plane? No I want to learn to fly a helicopter though
Do you use fly swatters? I used to but I don't see many fly's around anymore?

Do you chew gum? No not really
Are you a giver or a taker? I know I'm not a giver but not a taker either I just like to leave things alone
Do you like gummy candies? Gummy Bears Yay!!!

How are you? trying not to think about how I am thanks
What's your height? 5'9
What color is your hair? Black

What's your favorite ice cream? Vanilla Bean is like heaven
Have you ever ice skated? Nope
Do you play an instrument? I play three (guitar, drums and Bass)

What's your favorite jelly bean? The ones I eat
Do you wear jewelry? I wear a medical tag and sometimes a cross. Just because it looks cool I'm not really religious

Who do you want to kiss? None of your business!!!
Do you want kids? I do, but that's not going to happen

Are you laid back? Too laid back I get lazy at times
Do you lie? Every day and to everyone I talk to (everyone lies all the time)

What's your favorite movie? The Shawshank Redemption
Do you still watch Disney movies? I watched Cars about 6 times when my cousins kids came to visit his little boy loves that movie… so do I

Do you have a nickname? To many to name I don't like most of them
What's your favorite number? 30
Do you prefer night over day? I don't know I like being up early.

What's your one wish? That I knew what I wanted out of my life
Are you an only child? Nope two sisters

What one fear are you most paranoid about? I fear that I might live forever
What's a personality trait you look for in people? I don't look for anything in people I don't expect much of people.

Are you quick to judge people? very quick

Do you think you're always right? Of course I am. I'm God!!!
What's a good reason to cry? Losing everything you care about

Do you prefer sun or rain? I like overcast sky sometimes the sun is too bright
Do you like snow? Snow is fun but I don't get any where I live

What time is it? 8:30 pm
What time did you wake up? 5:55 am
When was the last time you slept in a tent? Jeez like in the 6th garde I think

What urge do have? Eat some cookies

Where do you want to go on vacation? I'd like to see Main in the Fall
Where was your last vacation to? Overton Nevada to see my cousin a little over a year ago

What's your worst habit? Bighting my nails
Where do you live? Chula Vista CA, USA, North America, Planet Earth
What's your worst fear? That I might live forever

Have you ever had an x-ray? Once on my tooth
Have you seen the program The X-Files? No I never really got into that show
Do you own a xylophone? No

Do you like the color yellow? eh Yellow is ok
What year were you born in? 1983 I'm old

Do you believe in astrology? Hell no
What's your favorite zoo animal? Hippos
When I was in Photoshop class a few months ago, a guy in my class told everyone about a web site dedicated to cool photo manipulations done in Photoshop. Worth1000 .com, the web site makes up contest then people submit there photo manipulations and sometimes there pretty funny. Today I saw a contest that made me really laugh harder than I have for a long time, Apple's Next Product.… I figured I would share the link with anyone who wants a good laugh. I love the iToilets and iRon.
  • Listening to: Coheed and Cambria
  • Reading: for one more day by Mitch Albom
  • Watching: Tennis lots of Tennis
  • Playing: Top Spin
  • Eating: Chips Carne Asada
  • Drinking: I'm still sober unfortunately
Well I've come down to a little more than a week left in my introduction to web design class. With that I now have my own web site. . There is nothing there yet I have to work on my final project for class before I really have time to make it my own little space on the web. But soon I plan to sit down and take some time to put a bunch of my own crap on my web site. I really need to have my name all over the pace on it so google finds me first when someone puts my name in a search. I think I might start my journal blog again on my web site. For some reason I felt a little better each week when I sat down and thought about how boring my life was when I used to write it on my Myspace blog. My new journal will be at this link… I hope I'll have my first entry this weekend. I'll  change the way it looks when i have more time.  So if any one reads this and wants to check it out (once I have something there) remember to click on the ads so I can make some money off of this thing.
  • Reading: The Man in the Iron Mask, A Walk to Remember
  • Watching: Charlie Chaplin
  • Playing: minesweeper
  • Eating: pop corn
  • Drinking: Water
Well I've started to do more digital art, especially vector art since Adobe Illustrator has become my favorite creative program. Now that I'm pretty good with vectors I decided to learn how to use flash. I've been thinking of a cartoon to make in flash and, until a few days I could not think of anything. But then I found out that I can import Illustrator files into flash. Yay!!!
I plan to use the Big Head Chibi Me… that I made as my main character and I guess I should make a cartoon about something that I know enough about. So I'm making a cartoon about my self. I thought it might be funny to tell short stories about things I do in my life and, how my spilt personalities deal with things. The two characters I want to use are the part of me that is a little kid inside who will never grow up and never learns from my mistakes, represented by the Big Head. And the part of me that over analyses everything thinks I know everything but never dose anything, the all talk no action part of me. This will be just a narrator talking to the silent big head kid.
Well I hope that writing this idea out will help me remember what I want to do. Maybe even keep me from getting distracted. I hope I can at least get one cartoon done. My free time to work on this might become harder to come by. Now that I'm going to be starting web Design and I'll have to learn basic code writing. Well I hope this works out.
  • Listening to: Coheed and Cambria
  • Reading: Scott Pilgram Volumes 1-3
  • Watching: The Boondocks
  • Playing: Russian roulette with a squirt gun
  • Eating: Cookies
  • Drinking: Water
Well im back to DA full time now. No more MySpace for me anymore. Now that I'm just spending my online time on Deviant Art I find  myself completely uninspired. I really wish I could whip out something to submit but im running on empty right now. I do have a few ideas that I have wanted to work on. But I don't think I will be able to accomplish what I want to.
Also I really have no drive to finish anything right now. Oh well I'll just have to wait and see how long this drought will last.
I applied for a job as an Illustrator and I don't think I got it. I really want to stop feeling defeated.
I'm in my local hang out also known as the target less than a block from where I live. I'm just looking at stuff I can't buy because I'm broke; I'm looking for a copy of Newsweek so I can look at the political cartoons they always make me laugh but I cant find it instead I see a copy of National Geographic with a tease for a story about LOVE. "Love the chemical reaction" is what it says.
Now I am really into science of the human brain. It is such an under explored and complex part of human existence. Plus I'm going through the turmoil of a broken heart and failed attempt at love, so any scientific exploration into why and what love is chemically to the human mind (in perticular my own), really interested me. I sat their and read the whole 8 full pages of this story in the store.
I was glad to see many of the theories and ideas I had about love are starting to show actual evidence in the scientific world. Like that love sickness and Obsessive-compulsive disorder (ODC) have a similar chemical profile. I thought the only thing that could cure a broken heart was time or love but I guess Prozac dose it as well. It also looked at how passion fades form love over time. The article explains that it might be too strenuous on the nervous system to try to maintain the chemicals that result from passionate love. It's a different chemical that is responsible for long lasting love an inability switch the balance of these chemicals is why the divorce rate in the United States is around 50% and should be higher in my opinion. The article also looked at different cultures and how some cultures look down on relationships built on passion alone, and even see falling in love that way as a sign of weakness. What I got from the article was what I have suspected all along love is a delicate balance. To make it work for you takes time patience and someone of equal understanding to be happily in love and make it last. I'm not that delicate with handling matters of the heart and brain and now all my pieces are scattered on the floor. Maybe I need some Prozac.
OMG Fenix TX (some crapy band nobody but me liked a few years ago) is back together, and has a new album out. I was so bummed out when they broke up because i missed a chance to see them live for $12 just a few weeks before they spilt up. anyway im off to buy the new album.
       For years now I've been telling everyone how worthless I am, hw nothing I do is ever any good, that no matter how hard I try I will always be a failure. After a long night of not being able to sleep and crying about the friendships I've ruined. I started to think about why I always sell myself short of what I'm capable of doing. This is a long story if you read this thank you.

It all started in third grade when my love of drawing started to show its self and bloom into an actual talent. Back then I thought the best job in the world would be to draw cartoons. I wanted to become a cartoonist it was the only time in my life I thought of something I could do for the rest of my life that would make me happy. I would draw on everything all the time just making myself a better artist. In all my classes for the rest of elementary school I was always the best artist in the class by far, but I never got cocky about it. I hated arrogant people (still do) who felt they had to tell the world how great they where at anything. So instead of bragging about my drawings I would just let people see my work and tell me how great an artist I was for a 9 year old I was decent. Nothing made me feel better than when people would praise me for what I loved to do.
That all changed in junior high school when I went to Chula Vista Junior High which had a great SCPA program (School of Creative and Performing Arts) for the first time in my life I was in a class with other artist. Everyone in that class was a great artist, (except Carlo) each person was the best in their elementary school. I was just another art kid, I was no longer the best in the class I just feel some where in the middle. All the praise and respect from my piers was gone. Without the support of others to boost my self esteem and pride in my work. I started to put myself down saying that the work I did wasn't good enough. I did this so people would pity me and tell me how good I was again. The pity never felt as good as when I was really turning heads it never made me feel fulfilled but it was the only thing keeping me going now. Seeing how good and how much better some of the other kids in that class where than me made me change my mind about my future. Along with losing the confidence I got from others I also lost my hope of being a cartoonist. In that class I learned a lot about art technique other mediums and I stopped drawing cartoons I took on more traditional style of art my strength became sketching.
         Suddenly the direction I was going in changed I was no longer a good cartoonist I had no more ambition to be an artist. My lack of confidence left me unsure of what I could do. Then in High School it went for the worst. (Still in SCPA art program) As a freshman in my design studio A class (it was no longer advanced art we were learning more than just art we where learning how to be designers) I had worked hard at my art to be one of the best artist in that class. Things where different in this class though the kids had an arrogance to them they not only weren't impressed by my work some of them put me down if I was better than them. With me already putting my self down to try to get people to notice me I was an easy target for a self esteem beat down. After a semester of abuse from myself and classmates with nothing better to do I started to believe I was worthless and untalented. I started getting sloppy with my work started not to care. I lost all motivation to do my work on time, deadline after deadline passed for projects I could never finish on time. Instead of turning in half done work for some credit I threw everything I didn't finish away.
         As time went by in high school the constant putting myself down started to spread to other parts of my life and I really lost all belief in myself not just the artist. Since then I've been digging myself deeper and deeper in a hole of self scrutiny. I don't know think I can get myself out. I've lost all my hopes, dreams and direction. I know what I have to do to get myself out of this but I don't know if I'm capable any more. Not after the damage I've done to myself.
Back in my high school art class I would always make mistakes and while drawing, (rushing through my work, not pay attention to what I was doing, get sloppy with my work or just not caring) so I always had an eraser to get rid of the things I messed up on. My art teacher would see all the eraser marks on my drawing and tell me not to erase so much. She told me to take my time with my work to get what I wanted and if I made a mistake to work with it make it part of the drawing, to use some artistic license. So she took my eraser away. Without my eraser I would make the same mistakes and instead of TRYING to fix it I would start over or just give up and quit. This lesson is an important one not just for artist, but in life. Mistakes made in life need to be worked through there are not any life size erasers.:stupidme: I still haven't learned my lesson or how to work without an eraser. For every fuck up and problem I put my self in I just push it away and hope I won't have to deal with it.
I hate when I get inspired it's never because of anything good and usually its heartache. So I fall in love after thinking I could never do it again. This time she actually cares so it hurts so much more. She cares just enough to what to see me in a better mood but not enough to return the feeling I have. Trying to get me to talk about how I feel but I can't say anything just draw them. Sketchbook after sketchbook filled with feeling and emotions only I see and understand but still I can't describe them to anyone who tries's to help me through tough times. Sometime I wish my drawing could talk because they already have more to say about me than I ever do. I don't know why I constantly shut everyone out when I feel like shit then turn it in on myself. When my feeling finally come out it's usually in frustrated punch to a wall or a drawing I hate to look at.