alpha-dragon

I am not a superstitious person. I'm not religious I don't believe in magic or any of the things that people sometimes attribute to luck. However, I do feel like there are things that are out of our control. Things that can sometimes make a big difference to succeeding or failing. Over my lifetime I’ve always felt like I was on the bad or unlucky side of influences outside of my control. To put it bluntly, I'm unlucky.

I don't want to go into specific details about how in X situation I was so unlucky because this and that all happened to me in my life. Instead, I want to look at what being unlucky has come to mean in my life now and going forward. Some people might hear bad luck and think of some RNG or random number (generator or game.) For example, if you're playing Russian roulette with a 6 round barrel and 3 bullets in it there is a 50% chance that when you spin that cylinder around and pull the trigger with the barrel pressed against your head then that's it game over! Same 50% chance that you live and get to try again. That's not what I mean about bad or good luck. That's just an extreme risk taken while playing a numbers game. What I mean by bad luck in my life is that when I am putting in 100% effort into some project or job that I'm working on, the things that I have no control over that make my 100% effort either too much (if lucky) or not good enough (when unlucky.) Now some people might say "you make your own luck in those cases" I disagree. I know that I can do extra work to try and make sure that things won't go wrong and won't surprise me with unfavorable circumstances, and that's the point to do those extra things is doing more than 100% effort it's putting in 120% to make sure nothing fucks up. All my life I've felt like if I don't do that extra % to make sure everything will work as intended it's always come back to bite me in the ass.

Everyone isn't always giving 100% effort so many people claim to, or claim to "always give 110%" and I know that's bull shit because when good luck happens I've seen other people give 70%-80% effort and hey good luck took care of the rest job done that was easy. For the unlucky nothing is ever easy. After a lifetime of constantly being beaten down by bad luck over and over again. I finally gave up. I was tired of constantly having to put extra effort into things that still didn't always turn out as I worked for. So after losing my last job, I gave up fuck it I said for almost 2 1/2  years instead of going out of my way to try and do extra work here's my 0 fucking percent effort fuck off to the whole world. That's where I've been at rock bottom just taking what ever life gives me and in most cases, it's been nothing. Worst of all is the people around me who try to be encouraging by saying "hey just keep trying and keep going and things will work out!" That has to be the shittiest advice anyone can give. I don't need well wishers or prayers I need someone who can actually do something to fucking help me.

I'm not dead yet though been carried around for those 3 years by people who care WAY too much about me and the help has probably been worse for me than being left to die. Because now as I look up at the work I have to do to get up from rock bottom it's so much higher a climb than I can do alone. The bad luck I gave up on was not waiting for me either as I start to look at the effort I have to put forward to achieve anything the odds seem insurmountable. Going back to my Percentage effort scale again. It's like getting back to where I was, feels like I have to put in 400% to 1000% more effort than before because I let myself go.

So here I stand looking at these obstacles in my way knowing that I have to go through them and get my ass kicked over and over again. Just to get back to having to put in 130% effort in case something out of my control goes wrong again. I don't want to make any promises 'cause I know what lies ahead of me and at any point, I could just give up again. I'm no hero for trying to take on these obstacles again, I created this fucking mess myself and now I have to try and clean it up. Like sweeping leaves on a windy day that's my life now.

Four “elements” for lack of a better term. What the fuck am I talking about? Falling in love is very complex in my observation. In my opinion there are two types of love that people experience. The first is a very basic animal instinct reaction to someone else. Many people consider this simple attraction love, but to me there is so much more to love so to identify them differently from here on I’ll be referring to what I feel is love by calling it  “true love”. This is just some theories about relationships that I've thought about for a long time. I developed these theories over many years of looking at my own and others relationships and looking at what worked, what didn't (oh whole bunch of my own what didn’t work scenarios) and how people were able to make things work. To get into it there are 4 elements of relationships that all need to be in sync for true love to exist between both people.

1. 
   

   The first of these elements is an Intellectual Element. This element is based on conversation. Each person in the relationships intelligence and personal interests play an important role in making this matching happen. Both people don’t need to be of the same intelligence or even close. It is more important how they interact with each other. This can be affected by several other aspects of the relationship like age and the general life experience. It seems like this is the least important for most people but for me this element is vitally important. Along the lines of personal interest as people spend more time together they tend build interests in things together. Interests in things that they did not already share or that one person liked and brought the other into enjoying as well. This is an important bonding aspect of this element because there is now a personal interest that is attached to their significant other. These interest can be anything from entertainment, food, hobbies, goals and many other things that people like.

   
   
2. 
   

   For the second element of true love there needs to be an Emotional bond between the two people involved. This is all about paying attention to your partner and learning to read their  feeling at any time. Some people talk about being able to communicate without speaking with a silent language that is spoken only by the two in love. This element is the hardest to fake. This is also the Element I know the least about. In my past my emotional connection to others has mainly been inspirational. Though I expressed my emotions through my inspiration it was always a one sided, selfish interaction that did not feed into the element needed for true love. When people grow apart it’s often this element I feel that breaks down, as the two involved lovers just don’t get each other anymore. Yeah that all too familiar to me.

   
   
3. 
   

   The third element is the Romantic Element this is where sex comes in the strongest. It’s a bit harsh to say this but if there is no romantic element to a relationship that relationship is just a friendship. Romance is not 100% sex though, it’s a very deep element that most importantly requires trust in one another. This element can be quite fickle as well because of how animalistic humans become when pursuing sex. The more people tap into their animal instincts the less Emotional and intellectual there interactions become. now we’re starting to see some overlaps in these elements and that’s the point they all work together with one element missing a relationship is doomed to fail. Beyond the sexual aspect of this element there is how much one person is investing into the relationship, in giving. Basically what are people giving up for their partner to make the relationship work. This bond can’t be one sided.

   
   
4. 
   

   The last of the four elements is the Physical Element. This not a sexual physical element, but all other aspects that deal with physical interaction as well as some sexual contact. This is where long distance relationships fall apart because of the physical distance. There is also the aspects of diet, fitness, hygiene and other physical elements. How physically attractive someone is plays a role in this element, and how physically attractive someone is can actually change depending on the other elements. The more one person likes someone else based on the other elements the more attractive they become physically as well, but neglecting one’s own appearance and self management can quickly deteriorate the other elements if they were not strong to begin with especially.

   
   

I've spent the last few years of my life looking closely at these 4 elements in many relationships and the successful ones just seem to do it so easily and without thinking about it. That might be why I've been alone for so long ignorance may be the only way to achieve this bliss. When these 4 elements work together it is amazing how strong a relationship is with all of them working in sync with each other. These are just my observations and there are probably an unimaginable amount of flaws and holes in my logic. Maybe more elements than I Listed here maybe one or more of them are the same thing and I’m too stupid to see that. In the end this little exploration into true love was just for me. For myself to have something to look at and remind myself before stepping into the deep end of love without being able to swim. The logistics of love could I possibly get any more boring.

Post Script: this post is not a guide to anyone on how to find love. It just shit I think about and if I  followed my own advice I’d be in a lot fewer stupid situations. I’m posting it here so I have it written somewhere that I can remind myself of what not to do.